A few Friday giggles

Posted on October 26, 2012 by thepogblog

I’ve had a few giggles this week so I thought I’d pass them on.  It’s good to finish the week with a verbal smile after all.

Last night I received this in an e-mail as a result of my blog post. 

I stand corrected:  my bag contained a bulldog clip, not a crocodile clip.

Sister 1 sent me a You Tube clip that is very random, but makes me giggle each replay (you need sound)  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQbhtZzHsbE

And while attempting to sew poggyW goods and keep up to date with emails last night:

I started getting a bit stressed.  Norman was observing from the table and I suddenly felt my head being stroked (ok, clawed, but in a gentle way).  There are some people out there who could learn a lot from my cat!

And finally, it didn’t make me giggle but it might make you.  My new oven arrived on Tuesday (the old one went pop last week).  It arrived, was installed, man left, I cracked open the muffins in celebration and discovered that the grill element was wonky.  So I called an engineer and decided to have a wonkily toasted muffin anyway, smothered in Nutella to make up for the distinct lack of muffins in recent days.  The engineer arrived a few hours later, did his thing and left.  A while later I looked in the mirror.  I had a trail of chocolate spread trailing down my face from nose to chin.  No wonder he’d looked at me a little strangely….

Hey Ho!  Happy weekend :o)

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what do you have in that bag?

Posted on October 25, 2012 by thepogblog

Last night I spent quite some time on the train home trying to find my car keys.  After a good five minutes of trying to rummage I started wondering what the hell I actually had in my bag.  I decided to investigate when I got home.  It turned out that it was looking after the following:

  • Laptop
  • Blackberry
  • Mobile
  • USB stick
  • Train pass
  • Work security pass
  • I pod
  • Face powder
  • Lip balm
  • Chewing gum
  • Cover up
  • 7 loose ibuprofen
  • Note book
  • 2 pens
  • 37 print outs of various work things
  • Strepsils
  • I pod lead
  • Gloves
  • 2 pairs of glasses
  • Wet wipes
  • Hairspray
  • Bronzer
  • Tissues
  • Ribbon
  • 2 Blackberry leads
  • Crocodile Bulldog clip
  • Inhaler
  • 2 cans of deodorant
  • 2 pencils
  • Printed calendar
  • Nail file
  • 3 packs of ibuprofen
  • Clothes pin
  • Stapler
  • Hair brush
  • Dental floss
  • 19 receipts
  • 13 loose mint imperials

So having established what was stopping me finding my keys, I put it all straight back.  Well you never know when you might need these things.  If you can find them… :o)

proof!

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Meeting Sat Nav Man

Posted on October 22, 2012 by thepogblog

On Saturday I had a poggyW stand at a fair.  This is not an unusual occurrence but

  1. I was going on my own and
  2. I had to drive somewhere I’d never been that was 30 miles away.

To the normal person this probably wouldn’t be an issue but people who know me will know that I am only happy driving if it’s within a 10 mile radius or I know the exact route forwards, backward and from every conceivable direction. (This fear comes from a particular trip years ago when I was driving from Somerset to Kent.  It turned out I took the right road, just in the wrong direction – for 3 hours.  I ended up in Cornwall).

In preparation I borrowed a sat nav, printed out an AA route planner map, located an A-Z of London and unearthed my map of the UK.  I then discovered I had a Sat Nav on my phone and decided to embrace the new technology and try to use that.  After all, if it worked, I’d be able to drive anywhere…the UK would be my oyster (as long as the Pog-mobile held out, of course.)

So anyway, on Saturday I did a practice run with the Sat Nav Man and was pleasantly surprised.  He wasn’t up to much conversation but I remained polite, thanking him for each concise instruction.  I even started to find his voice quite comforting and found myself wondering what he looked like… 

But then the real trip started.  We got on quite well until I turned off the M25.  Man went strangely quiet.  I looked down on my lap and realised my phone had slipped to the top of my legs and ‘lost gps signal’ was showing.  I managed to pull over and reset it all so not to worry, but then realised that Man moved quite a lot.  I propped him on the dashboard, proud of myself for finding a solution so fast….but it turns out there is a gap between my steering wheel and my dashboard and I caught him just before he fell the whole way through it.

I decided the solution was to drive like a granny so he wouldn’t move much (I’d allowed myself 1.5 hours so time wasn’t too much of an issue).  We started getting on quite well.  He’d prompt me for speed cameras and reassure me to ‘continue straight’ at regular intervals.  It turns out though, that ‘stay left’ actually means ‘take the exit on the left’.  I realised this as ‘recalculating’ flashed up when I stayed left but sailed past an exit and on to the Blackwall Tunnel.  I shouldn’t have been anywhere near the Blackwall Tunnel.  At this point I’m sure Man took on a slightly sarcastic tone as he told me to ‘take the next left, then turn right and immediately right again’.  We kind of fell out at this point.

We eventually made it to the fair, which was great, but then I had to get back home.

We circled the area for so long I wondered if I’d re-entered the postcode for the fair, but decided I should trust in Man.  He knew his stuff after all.  And sure enough we started on the route for Bumpkinsville.  Trust, see?  That’s all you need.  Well, that and a Man who stays awake.  Because he went to sleep. I realised this when we drove past the exit for the M25 and the only signs on whatever road I was on were for Dover.  I don’t live anywhere near Dover.  I considered pulling the car over and crying.  It was dark, I couldn’t see for the rain and I’d packed all my poggyW on top of the printed maps.  Then I remembered that the Pog-mobile has window wipers (I keep forgetting that bit of functionality) and at least I could see again. 

Eventually I re-awoke man while driving down a motorway that I still couldn’t name.  And he did manage to take me home.  It was just via a heap of places that it shouldn’t have been.

I think it’s safe to say that I won’t be travelling the length and breadth of the UK with Man as my only companion in the near future.  Apart from anything else, he seemed a little too life like for my liking…:o)

At least we got there!

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It’s not just me!

Posted on October 17, 2012 by thepogblog

I try to only mention my daftness in my blog in case I upset anyone else (sorry Sisters 1 and 2, you’re always fair game) but there have been a couple of incidents in the last few days that I think deserve a mention…and I can be pretty sure these people aren’t identifiable…and can’t identify me :o)

I went to the doctors tonight.  Nothing serious (well not unless one of the hundreds of pale children in the waiting room gave me their bug), but slightly surreal.  I got called and directed to the Nurses treatment room…but there were two.  Both with nurses, neither with patients.

‘Ah, you’re with me’ called one of them, so I followed her as she continued with ‘Mr and Mrs Jones isn’t it?’

Now I know I’m not as slim line as I was a few years ago, but I didn’t know the situation had got so dire that I could be mistaken for two people, one of them male…  Happily, Mr and Mrs Jones turned up and the mistake was resolved quite quickly.

Then on Saturday I went to a stationer to buy some blank postcards.  I couldn’t find any so I asked.  The boy pointed me to a stand full of picturesque views of Bumpkinstown. 

‘Um, they’re not blank…’ I started.

‘They are on the back’ he replied.

Isn’t that the default for postcards that you are buying new? I mean, I’ve never purchased a postcard that has already been written…

And then we had the New Word Lesson with Sister 2 when she asked if I could make a gift for her friends’ baby but didn’t know if she should wait until it was born.

Me:  If you don’t know if it is a boy or a girl, I could make something generic.

Sister 2:  What does ‘generic mean?

Me: In this case, something that would be suitable for a boy or a girl

Sister 2: Oh

<big pause>

Sister 2:  So it means the same as ‘bisexual’ then?

She is 30.

So there you go, it’s not just me that can be a bit daft :o)

A random bit of Bumpkinsville weirdness for you. It’s not often you can blame being late on sheep… :o)

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Feeding time at the zoo (Sunday lunch with my sisters)

Posted on October 15, 2012 by thepogblog

Every Sunday for as long as I can remember, we’ve had a family Sunday lunch.  My sisters, me, and any hangers on that we acquire all troop up to mum and dads for a natter and dinner. 

At the moment mum and dad are away so yesterday we went for an all you can eat Chinese buffet as a slight alternative.

Now, I don’t know what it is with us and food, but we do not share.  If we order a plate of chips for example, we divide them into three straight away to go on our individual plates.  That’s ok, but you do not  tries to pinch one.  What I hadn’t realised is the effect an all you can eat buffet has on Sisters1 and 2. 

We got there just after opening and they practically charged to the buffet table…which, incidentally contained enough food to feed the five thousand.  Each time a table was taken a look of panic crossed their faces in a ‘what if they eat everything?’ way.  The result was bolting plates of food like none of us had eaten before…and all of us groaning in pain having eaten far, far too much. 

Swwt and sour chicken? Noodles? Duck pancake? All three together? Oh go on then…

There is another rule though – you always need to have pudding if it is available.  So we finished off with a totally unnecessary, not very Chinese orientated…Jelly and ice cream :o)

Cos you have to have a pudding!

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Revolutions and revelations

Posted on October 11, 2012 by thepogblog

My Tesco trips have been revolutionised. Revolutionised I tell you!

I know they have been around forever but ‘my’ Tesco has just introduced those scanning thingys  so you can scan as you shop and miss out on that really irritating part involving toe tapping, tutting and working out if you’ll actually queue to pay for longer than it took to shop.

Normally I’d give it a good 6 months to a year before I attempted anything new related even vaguely to technology.  But today I had a bit of a revelation.  I had stored up a technical issue I was having with my computer so I could ask the boys I sit with in the office I hardly ever seem to get to these days.  The boys are like little brothers only a lot less irritating (– although if one of them laments the fact that since his birthday last week he is now ’closer to 30 than 20’ one more time, I may thump him –) and are geniuses at helping me get to grips with technology (well, where it’s possible.  Where it’s not, they just sort things for me.)  Anyway, today I announced my technical issue, talked them through the steps I’d been doing and…sorted it all on my own!  I was amazed.  I think they were too.

So when I got to Tesco tonight I decided I could use the scanning thingys.  I registered and wandered off with my basket and list and a little conversation in my head:

‘look at me…zap…all independent and technological….zap….I’m a clever bunny…zap…no more long queues…zap…look at those luddites in their big queue…zap…none of that for me…zap….oooh, two packs of muffins for £1…zap, zap…’

Then I went to pay and realised that actually you’re supposed to pack as you zap.  Otherwise all the time you may have saved is wasted as you wait for a lovely lady to find you some bags (because they aren’t in the zapping checkout because nobody is that stupid), then you have to stand there with your shopping at your feet looking like a bit of an idiot.  So not quite a revolution, but hey ho, at least I tried – and that is one and a half technological successes for the day.  The boys will be proud. Maybe :o)

random but…nope, just random

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Family Daftness

Posted on October 10, 2012 by thepogblog

I wouldn’t say my family is one that plays practical jokes – we’ve never cling filmed the toilet or anything like that.  We do however, do daft things to entertain ourselves occasionally. 

My parents are keen gardeners and it always looks amazing and very tasteful.  Then Dad discovered some very un-tasteful plastic ducks in the 99p shop and bought one to move around the garden, primarily to wind up mum.  Then one didn’t seem enough so he bought another…and that turned up on my bird table a few weeks later…then on Sister 2’s dustbin…then my car…then…well, you get the picture.

Last night Sister 2 popped over to Pog Towers requesting the loan of my black pashmina and black jacket.  She was already dressed entirely in black.  It turned out that she and her ex had decided to play a joke on two of his friends.  They were watching The Woman in Black that night and thought Sister 2 could play the key role in the night. He’d opened his side gate and made sure that the curtains of his French windows were left open.  Sister 2 then drove over and waited for text confirmation that they were at a suitably scary part of the film.  She let herself into the back garden, stood motionless at the windows – all in black –  and waited. One of the boys apparently said that he thought he’d seen a face at the window but it must have been his imagination so he wasn’t going to look again.  At that point the other friend also looked up and Sister 2 did a scary scream with accompanying face….cue A LOT of screaming.

I really wish I’d thought to go and watch.  Sister 2’s ex thought the reactions were so funny that he couldn’t stand up for laughing.  Sister 2 was still finding it all very entertaining when she got back here.  And I’m sure the people who had the trick played on them will recover…eventually.

I must have had it all in the back of my head this morning.  I recieved a parcel and for a split second I thought someone had posted me an arm.

 

It’s ok though – I’d ordered it.  And it belongs to Little Pog who will be attending future PoggyW events with me as a model.

 

I just wanted you to know though, that daftness is a family trait and not limited just to me :o)

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Grumpster Pog

Posted on October 10, 2012 by thepogblog

This morning I let rip on facebook a little (the neighbours had not felt there was any issue with letting a small herd of children run riot, screaming and slamming doors until 1am – 3.5 hours before I had to get up) and one lovely person commented that they didn’t think it was possible for me to grump.  They were lovely….but wrong.  Confession time:

Last Friday I went out with some school friends for dinner.  We’d not met up as a group for about 20 years but for some reason I thought I’d be home early enough to spend some time with TTB.  It turns out that it’s quite tricky to catch up on two decades in a few hours and I didn’t text TTB til almost 11am.  Not surprisingly, his response to my ‘I guess it’s too late for you to come over’ was a rather terse ‘Yes.  I can’t be bothered.’  (He didn’t say ‘bothered’ though.  Use your imagination….)   On my drive home I grumped silently that he could at least have been nicer about it, grump, grump grump.  Then I pulled up outside the house and panicked that I was being burgled.  Admittedly they would have been stupid burglers – having all the lights on and the curtains open.  But no…TTB had arrived with wine and was supping it on the sofa.  By the time I arrived he’d supped the vast majority of it, but I felt bad for grumping…and chuffed that he’d do something so sweet.

That didn’t stop me grumping the next day though.  Sister 1 and I went for a Bumpkinsville wander and thought we’d treat ourselves to a lunch snackeral in a local tea room.  Sister 1 went for soup, I decided on scrambled egg and salmon on toast.  Half an hour later, having watched four people leave in disgust, most refusing to pay, our food arrived.  Sister 1 promptly scalded her mouth on soup hotter than the sun while mine was stone cold.  I took it back.  Was ignored.  Wasn’t brought anything else out so at the end of Sister 1’s bowl of molten lava I took the money for her food and our drinks to the owner and said I obviously wasn’t paying for what I hadn’t had.  Did she apologise?  No.  She informed me that smoked salmon was supposed to be cold.  I agreed.  But pointed out that as a rule both, scrambled egg and toast should be a few degrees above room temperature and that an apology of some sort would have been appreciated.  I left behind my views in their visitors book and a loud wish of goodluck to everyone still waiting for food.  I felt they needed it.

So you see?  If you don’t already know, I am a great grumper.  And if the neighbours keep me awake most of the night tonight they too may experience a Pog grump :o)

Note:  to be fair to me, I don’t usually grump that often…honest!

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The incident with no name

Posted on October 4, 2012 by thepogblog

*** DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EATING!***

(and if you’re of a delicate disposition, don’t read before eating, after eating or if you ever intend to eat again)

 

Last Friday night I caught a movement on the corner of my eye while I was in the bathroom.  There was a mouse peering round the door at me.  Mousey and I then played a game of chase around my bedroom which I lost.  By Monday I’d established that Mousey was under the washing machine and put a humane mouse trap down ready to catch him.  Unfortunately, Norman also worked all this out and decided that this was a good place to spend his time. 

Yesterday, Sister Two and I were having a coffee on my patio, and Norman hurtled form the end of the garden with a mouse in his mouth.  A mouse which wasn’t quite dead.  It was beyond saving and I knew I should put it out of its misery but instead we left Norman to it.  I felt bad that I’d been such a coward, hoping I could do better given the same chance again.  It turns out you really do need to be careful what you wish for.

(Incidentally, we thought this might have been Mousey, but Norman spent a lot of yesterday evening inspecting the underside of the freezer so I moved the trap and hoped Norman was just wishing for a fish finger or two).

This morning I was lying in bed and heard a commotion in the lounge.  I assumed the worse for Mousey and rushed in.  It wasn’t Mousey that Norman had caught.  It was a collared dove.  A collared dove that wasn’t quite dead.  I turned into a coward again, threw a tea towel over it, rushed to the end of the back garden and threw it over the fence.  I felt bad again and hoovered up the feathers wishing I’d have done something kinder.  (When will I learn?!).  Ten minutes later the cat flap clattered and Norman came in with the same bird which was still alive.  We wrestled, I won and I took bird to the end of the garden.  I couldn’t leave it to suffer anymore so I looked around for something to kill it with.  It was between the stone cat that marks Lucifer’s grave (Lucifer being my previous cat rather than me being any sort of devil worshipper) and a six foot long lump of wood.  I went for the wood.  I wish I hadn’t.  It didn’t kill bird outright and after a few strikes with it, the wood started to split.  I had to finish what I started but I really, really hope no neighbours were looking out the window:  I was in my dressing gown and orange Crocks (gardening shoes, you understand) pounding the bird while apologising profusely to it, feathers and bits of wood flying everywhere.  I did it, but I did feel very, very sick.

It doesn’t end there though.  I disposed of Bird, sat down and heard a scratching sound.  It was Mousey.  I basically took apart the kitchen trying to find him, determined that neither  Norman nor I would kill again today.  I couldn’t find him anywhere. I started on my e-mails.  I heard more scratching.  I finally thought to look at the trap…it was shut.  It contained a live Mousey!  This time I gave the neighbours at the front of the house the treat of my dressing gown and orange shoes as I ran part way up the road and released Mousey to cries of ‘Run Mousey!  Run like the wind!’  (Ok, I didn’t actually shout that, but I did give him strict instructions which direction to aim for). 

I still feel a bit sick but I’m hoping that setting one animal free unharmed makes up for the erm….other incident. 

I think I may have to make Norman a coat of bells (he removes collars within 24 hours) to give the local wildlife a bit more of a chance…:o)

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about – I’ve just been chilling here…’

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A few :o( and one big :oD

Posted on October 1, 2012 by thepogblog

Someone said a while ago that reading my blog is a bit like reading my diary.  I think it’s probably more like reading the bits I’d write that (I hope) would make other people smile.  That’s why it’s been a little on the sparse side recently – I’ve had a rubbish few weeks and didn’t think I’d be able to spread any smiles.  I have a very slightly smiley version of events now though, so I’ll tell you about it all….

  • TTB has seen the light and dumped me.  By text.  With no real explanation and a complete refusal to see me.  This has not made me feel great.  On the positive side, I’m not spending anywhere near as much money on nice wine, food or going out.  (OK, that’s a pretty pathetic positive, but I’m still not very smiley on that one.)  I guess at some stage I will laugh at Mum’s ‘helpful’ comment that ‘at least you know you can get a man now’.  I wasn’t aware it had been in that much doubt…
  • I’ve been turned down for a job I could have done.  On the up side, it would have been difficult working for a very, very short man with very, very big short man issues, partly because I had to crouch slightly to make eye contact and partly because he had an interesting ‘I don’t ask people to do things, I tell them’ attitude.
  • I’m doing my normal job and covering a role more senior than mine which is leading to regular melt down moments.  Positively, I have discovered that I have some really lovely colleagues (particularly the one who talked me down from a bout of near hysteria the other day) and I have learned a good lesson:  If you’re going to do a 15 – 16 hour day be really careful who you send a rather ‘assertive’ e-mail to at 12.30am.  The top 20 or so managers in the company probably isn’t a good idea (it wasn’t intentional – I used the wrong distribution list).
  • I lost my mobile phone where I hold the only copy of everyone’s numbers that I’ve collecting for years.  On the upside I’ve had a bit of a much needed spring clean – there were people in there whose names I couldn’t put faces to.
  • I had to give a presentation to 80 or so colleagues.  I hate giving presentations but it was only 4 minutes so my cunning plan was to show a video for 3 minutes and 50 seconds.  I should have known that the technical gremlins would play their usual tricks and two minutes before I was due to start I was told that the video wouldn’t play.  I was in such a panic I sounded rather like Minnie Mouse on speed when I talked through the notes I’d written as back up but not actually looked at….
  • And less disastrous, but adding to the pile, my gutter fell down (upside: a lovely neighbour turned up with tools and put it back on for me) and I have a new pet in the form of a mouse which I think, based on the flashing lights a whirring last night, is currently eating it’s way through my wiring.  A humane trap is now in place in the hope that will catch him before Norman does.

So there you go…I do have some really smiley news though.  While I’ve been writing this, I’ve been told I’m allowed to shout from the rooftops that Sister 1 is pregnant and that I will be an auntie in about 6 months time :oD

baby pea

 

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