I promise that (unfortunately) none of what you’re about to read is made up. It never is – I lack the imagination – but it may all sound a bit farfetched. It’s actually just my life.
So, this week has been chaotic in terms of work. Big Things were planned and I knew it would be busy. What I didn’t know was the amount of additional chaos that would ensue. This is what happened:
Monday: After three hours of sleep (due to all over body aching, runny nose, coughing etc) I got up to discover that the kettle had broken, the shower was almost broken, Norman had bought in a slice of cooked gammon over night and he was currently playing catch with a mouse in the lounge. I wrestled the mouse from him, peeled the gammon off my foot, had a bit of a panic about the shower and warmed up water in the microwave for the coffee that is absolutely essential before leaving the house. It couldn’t get worse, right? I called a fixer man later in the day to mend the shower for me and bought a new kettle on my way home. It’s so noisy, I imagine the entire street can hear when I fancy a cuppa, but at least I had something that actually boiled water.
Tuesday: I set fire to my hob. At the weekend I’d bought myself a sort of sandwich maker that you place directly on the hob and had been very excited about using it. The first time, most of the contents had oozed out, the house had filled with smoke and I’d needed industrial strength oven cleaner to rediscover the top of my oven. So this time I thought to save mess I’d put a layer of foil over the hob to catch the oozing. It made perfect sense. Except it turns out that when cheese oozes onto foil, directly on top of something very, very hot it goes ‘pooof’. Into really quite big flames. Oops.
Wednesday: I helped with an event related to the Big Thing. I was a microphone dolly – running round with a mic as the audience asked questions. As I stood at the back of the room I suddenly realised that the lines of the two tops I was wearing and possibly my knickers were visible through my skirt as they were all a bit scrunched up. I was standing behind everyone so I put my hand down the back of my skirt and…well, flattened things out. It was only when I glanced round a bit later that I realised I had been directly in front of the window of the room containing the people in charge of audio and visuals…
Later, I had a meeting with quite a senior HR manager. I had to do some work with her on the Big Thing. She had to explain some stuff to me, I had to write about it and go back to her to edit together. I can only assume that information overload resulted in my tongue getting in a tangle. As I left I meant to say ‘I’ll be back to bug you later’. I don’t even say ‘bug you’ – not since I was about 12 – but I did. Well, I tried. What actually came out was ‘I’ll be back to bugger you later’. I’m still thanking my lucky stars that she had a sense of humour and her reaction was to burst out laughing!
Thursday: I had a meeting with the boss of the HR manager of Wednesday. I was absolutely determined not to embarrass myself again. Instead, while we were in our meeting a real Big Wig came in. The sort that reports directly to the CEO, and as our company is 60,000 people, the sort of Big Wig who would never know someone like me. He probably does now. He came into the room, and did a bit of swearing and, not knowing him I thought maybe he was having a bit of a joke. So I giggled. It turns out it wasn’t a joke, he was actually rather angry. Possibly more so after some stupid nobody laughed at him when perhaps they should have kept quiet. But you know, laughing in the face of someone who is my boss’s, boss’s, boss’s, boss’s boss had to be as bad as it could get, right?
Nope. Around 2.30pm I was on a teleconference with my team and one of the girls reached toward my neck saying something terrifying like ‘stay still, it’s ok’. She gently grabbed something from the pashmina which I’d been taking off and putting on all day and opened her hand for me to see. It was a bloody stick insect! One of the babies that have appeared in the last few weeks I’ve been looking after them for Dad (take a look here for pictures). We cleaned them out last Saturday so somehow this intrepid explorer had managed to escape, wander around the house since then hitch a ride on my scarf, get the car, tube and train and survive part of a day in the office. The team named her Melcrum as we were listening to a presentation from that company when she was discovered. I put her in a paper cup, sealed the top and, after the meeting, decided to call it a day.
At lunch time I’d stuffed a canteen made chicken burrito while I worked. More kidney bean than chicken, but it was ok. It was to cause the final part of my chaos of the day. As I packed up, all of my team sitting at their desks nearby, a fart escaped with absolutely no warning. Not the sort I could ignore or blame on someone walking past – the sort that people three rows of desks away could hear, and did hear. The team all looked at me and burst out laughing. It seemed quite a fitting end to the day, so through some embarrassed giggles, Melcrum and I put our heads down and left the building.
Friday: I have not left the house. I may never leave the house again… :o)