Herds of them… crowds of them…

There are ulcers in my mouth.  Loads of them.  This means that I’m either about to be full of cold or I’m stressed (I know, highly unlikely).

Anyway, whatever the reason, the ulcers have set up camp and I am unimpressed.  I have them at the back of my throat so swallowing hurts.  I have them on my tongue so I can’t taste much, and I have one bugger on the inside of my lip that catches on my tooth if I attempt a smile or conversation. 

This isn’t that rare for me and last time I was at the dentist I was given some fantabulous new treatment to try.  So last night I tried it.  The fact that there was a strong whiff of fertiliser as I opened it should have given me a bit of a warning.  The promise that ‘one application would kill all pain’ another.  But no.  I read the somewhat convoluted instructions.  They were similar to those provided with Ikea flat pack furniture….  ‘turn clockwise three times while standing on one leg and open pack 1.  Identify piece A and connect with item B.  Utilise piece C whilst hopping on the other leg and rotate anti clockwise.’  I did the man thing and  I threw the instructions in the bin.  Then I opened the package to reveal a cotton bud that looked like it was full of radioactive fluid and rubbed it over the evil ulcer that was hindering smiling and talking.

I nearly shot through the ceiling in pain.  I did the Dance-of-Disgusting-Medicine.  You know the one?  That one where you race around like a 5 year old with your tongue hanging out.  I can only assume that this fantabulous new ulcer treatment is in fact, acid.  It certainly burnt off part of the inside of my mouth…although I have to admit, it did what it promised.  I can no longer feel my ulcer.  I can’t feel much of the inside of my lip.  Needless to say, I didn’t attempt an application on my tongue ulcers, or the ones at the back of my throat.  I’m not sure 3rd degree burns to the inside of my entire mouth would have been an improvement on the current situation. 

On the upside…nope, can’t think of one.  Except that they’re only ulcers…and they might hurt, but it is A LOT less than the pain of gall stones :o)

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