Stepson 1:

Tomorrow Dad, your Mum and Stepson 2 will be driving you to university to properly start grown up life.  I’m a little concerned about this, as there still seem to be issues with knowing how to slice an onion despite a lot of cooking lessons here….

We could use that as an analogy for life, but let’s work with the literal instead:  Onions are not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Some things are though, which takes us to the conversation we had at the weekend when I realised, (after a couple of glasses of wine, I admit), that I have some seriously useful information to impart.  Namely: how to not repel lovely ladies.

I suggested I wrote these tips down for you.  You said you thought that would be very useful.

So, based on nothing more than my own personal experience (which while not vast, does seem to have included a significant number of disastrous dates) I suggest the following:

• Never eat raw red onions or garlic before going out anywhere you will be talking and trying to make a good impression
• Never eat stinky fish before going out (tuna is ok but all others: uh – uh)
• Always shower and wash your hair before going out; especially if you’ve been cooking
• And put on clean clothes afterwards
• Clean your teeth and floss
• If on an actual date, do not have food with onion or garlic unless she does, in which case have onion and garlic or she will be the stinky breathed one. (It’s safest to order the same thing because of this)
• Have a variety of things to talk about; try to avoid monologues about the best days of your life being at school (in intricate detail including teachers names, friends names and how clever you are, etc), the number of different flours you have tested in making sourdough bread including intricate detail of the entire process, or the number of Eastern European countries where you have slept with prostitutes. Ok, I realise none of these are relevant to you, but they really are all topics covered by people I’ve been on dates with.  By default, the fact that these are not relevant to you demonstrates that you are way more interesting than some people out there 🙂

In addition to the ‘don’ts’ I’ve provided you with a small ‘do’ pack.  This contains:

• Floss.  Floss before going out
• Mints: Eat one just before you arrive so you are truly minty fresh
• Aftershave:  Go easy on this one – Dad and I tested it out and it’s quite…potent.  So go for ‘less is more’ – maybe do a couple of squirts and walk into the mist rather than spraying direct on your skin.

Oh, and DO have a haircut every four weeks unless the object of your affection has a penchant for toilet brushes.  Your hair is very toilet brush like unique , and either you need to keep it in check or do some styling…with wax or something.

And here ends the lesson.

I’ve put a few extra bits in your bags too – a freshly made chocolate cake to pop in your kitchen to make a good impression with the others you’re sharing with.  And a bottle of vodka in case the cake doesn’t cut it.  There’s the supernoodles and pasta packets so you don’t have to remember how to cut an onion in freshers week, and a Frey Bentos chicken pie, because are you even a student if you don’t eat Frey Bentos pies? And I know it wouldn’t cross your mind to take something like this, but think you’ll like it: I’ve printed and framed a few photos I thought you’d like – one of you, Stepson 2, Dad and Me, another of you, Stepson 2, Mum and her partner, and one of Percy – your furry brother.

I know this going away and doing the adulting thing is a bit scary, but I also know that you’ll do great.  Mostly.  Just follow the cook book, follow the lovely lady guide and if you don’t know how to cut up an onion (or anything else for that matter), take a deep breath and engage your brain (this is really key….please remember to engage that brain on the common sense side as well as the complicated numbers stuff you’re so good at), cross your fingers and do what you think will work best.  Mostly, it will work out fine.

Because that’s really all adulting is: crossing your fingers, doing the thing, and hoping it will work out fine.

You’ve got this:  Go and adult and be amazing.