If you’ve been around here a while (‘here’ being The Pog Blog, or my actual life), you might remember The Lovely Nut.

She was an ex boyfriends Mum who – when he and I split up – became my very good friend.  I stayed with her once or twice a year at her ‘House in the Country’, visited her in London, had weekly phone calls with her every Sunday and was frequently driven mad by her and her by me.  And we cared very much about each other.

The Lovely Nut died last week.

My Dear Lovely Nut,

We used to write to each other all the time, didn’t we?  Cards to say ‘I saw this and thought you’d like it’, the gorgeous cards you used to make with your photographs, filled with details of where they were or why you took them.  I still have so many.  You always appreciated a card, even when you then had to phone to tell me off because ‘it was lucky it had arrived as how the postman had managed to decipher my handwriting to read the address you simply didn’t know…’

So, I thought I’d write one last letter to you.

First, I want to tell you how very sorry I am that it’s been so long since I saw you and held your hand. The last time was the Christmas before last when I made you a fairy that looked like you.  I think some of the time you knew who I was then.

The time before that you spent a long time telling me how it was so lucky I had arrived then as I would get to meet one of your closest friends who was getting the train quite a long way to come and visit.  You went on to describe that friend, and I realised it was me you were waiting to arrive.  It made me sad but was such a privilege to hear you describe me and our friendship.

I meant to visit so many times.  I’m so sorry I let life get in the way. I hope that the many, many, many hours we spent together over the years make up for that in some small way.

Because despite our 40-year age gap, we had a lot of fun, didn’t we?  Sewing, sitting in the garden, drinking (many, many) bubbles, you telling me the amazing stories of your life, watching with terror as you lit the (inside!) fire using a jam jar of paraffin, you driving like a loon around country lanes in your Volvo that was pretty much held together with masking tape…

Thank you for your honesty – even when it wasn’t asked for (!)

Thank you for your trust in me

Thank you for encouraging me to make and create

And for loving everything that I made for you (because I think you’d have told me if you didn’t like them as I think you made me take back half of the shop bought things I ever bought you!)

Thank you for your utter belief in me. Not many people are fortunate enough to have a consistent cheerleader for as long as I had in you.

And finally, my Lovely Nut, there is ‘that thing’ we talked about.  And I won’t take any ‘I’ve forgotten because of the Alzheimer’s’ excuses from you.  I know you will remember because we talked about it for years:

We had many, many discussions about ghosts and spirits and agreed that whoever died first would come back and (kindly) haunt the other one, so we’d finally know that all that spooky stuff is real.

Now, I suspect that you might have opted already to be a guardian angel, rather than a ghost.  Because less than a day after you left us, after almost a year, a lot of chaos, many, many phone calls, a lot of stress and sleepless nights, with no fanfare or ceremony, Mums’ Power of Attorney documents arrived in the post.

You always did like helping me out in whatever form that took, so I am taking that as a sign that you are still around in some way, and you are still looking out for me, and I hope you saw me raise a glass of bubbles to you and your loveliness, that night.

I’m going to miss you, but I will be looking out for you and your angel hauntings.

Sleep well, My Lovely Nut.